Summer Slaughter: From WTF to HOLY SHIT in a matter of a couple years

First of all, HEY THERE. If you don’t already know who I am, my name is “Angela”, and I enjoy the metal. I used to write for a few websites such as Reign In Blonde and MetalSucks. I also have been known to get blackout and make an ass of myself. Fuck you, don’t judge me. ANYWAY, Brutalitopia has graciously invited me to come and make a mockery of all things metal on their website, and I couldn’t be more excited to upset all of you. With that said….let’s get to it, bitches.

Summer Slaughter. How many of you have attended over the years? Well, it’s good to see the 9 of you that went are also reading this. Out of the plethora of bands that were on the bill the year or years that you went, how many of them did you actually go to see? My guess is two or three. I’m not even trying to be an asshole with that estimate; legitimately, with the mash up of sub genre’s that tend to be on the tours bill, chances are attendees were only there to see one to three bands.  This year, however, I see a difference. A pretty big one at that. What is this difference, you ask? Cohesion and consistency.  Let me elaborate.

A little background: the first Summer Slaughter was in 2001, but after that didn't pick up again until 2007. For what-ever reason, the folks who put together this tour every year thought it was a rad idea to mix in chugga chugga metal with death metal and call it a day. Now, I am all for diverse line-ups when it comes to tour packaging, but lumping together Born Of Osiris with Vader seems very, very wrong to me. And not just because of the obvious sound and talent difference; having such a stylistically separate batch of bands in one package takes the point of large billed tours away from the fan. Sure, it’s very rare to find a tour where you are a fan of EVERY band set to play. However, when there are only one or two bands from each subgenre that you want to see, why would you pay an inflated price for the ticket? And shortened sets to boot? Shit doesn't make sense to me. That has been Summer Slaughters biggest issue. Sure, one of you assholes can argue, “BUT HEY ANGELA. THEY ARE INTRODUCING THEIR MUSIC TO NEW PEOPLE. THAT COULD MEAN NEW FANS.” Well that’s so positive of you. Here’s a gold star. Now let’s look at reality. Reality, this is dipshit metal troll. Go grab a beer and blow her mind.

"You're telling me I paid $41.00 to see VEIL OF MAYA!?"

In the real world, the only fans that come for the entire show starting at 2 pm to the end, are kids and Mexicans. Kids because they have nothing else to do, and Mexicans because hey…beer. Most of your other fans will find out set-times, and arrive accordingly in order to bypass the stupid that awaits them in the crowd. For the plethora of bands on the bill, it’s the opposite of what they would optimistically expect from a large tour. For the venues, they end up losing out on money because there is a revolving door of people throughout the entire day (with the exception of the headliner, usually).  So Summer Slaughter, in my expert opinion, has been one of the worst offenders over the years. Mayhem Fest is a whole other story. Trust me. But alas, in 2012 I saw a subtle yet very effective change in the way the tour was billed. And by ‘change’, I mean ‘they weeded out a bunch of those shitty fucking bands that forced you to deal with scene kids’.

    "Lets go sit on the floor in the middle of the pit until Whitechapel comes on."

This year has a stellar line-up. There's no “What the fucking fuck is going on here?” moments when you see who is playing. Here are the bands, and my reaction to their appearance on the tour, which gives zero indication of anything relevant:

The Dillinger Escape Plan: Greg, can I personally request more Tabasco sauce on your face during your set? More....sauce.

Animals As Leaders: I wonder if Tosin has ever tried playing with his dick? He's black, so...you know, he can manage. 

Periphery: Spencer Sotelo sometimes sounds like Kelly Clarkston. Buts its better than no Periphery at all. *strokes invisible penis*

Norma Jean: I actually really like Norma Jean, despite them eating out the butt-hole of Jesus Christ for a living.

Cattle Decapitation: Bring the br00tal. But seriously, how many times have I seen these guys? Aren't they on like, every tour? 

The Ocean: ZOMG. Last time I seen these dudes they came to this party at my friends house and I got blackout drunk, made out with a chick and fell headfirst into a fire place. Then woke up and decided it was a good idea to shoot guns at the abandoned school across the street. The Ocean bring outs the lady in me. Tingly 'gina. 

Revocation: This will be the first time I see them without Anthony Buda on bass. This will also be the millionth time I see them and rock the fuck out. God these dudes rule. 

Aeon: The amount so subtle headbanging during their set will be extreme. 

Rings of Saturn: You're trying so hard you bore the SHIT out of me. 

Thy Art Is Murder: THERE is that shitty deathcore rearing its ugly head. God dammit. Well, no tour can be perfect...

So lets look at the bands here: we have, as I stated above, COHESION with the sounds for the most part. 80% of the bands on this tour have an established fan base and level of popularity that coincide with one another. The headliner, Dillinger, has a very large and broad following in the metal community. The most important part is, most of these bands are liked by the same people. I don't forsee a giant gap in the fan-base, and predict that many people will show up and stick around far earlier than previous years. And hey, Dillinger pulls in a pretty decent amount of females, so for all you dudes with erections and no one to take care of them, Summer Slaughter might be your chance for a young lady to touch it.

                                  "Excuse me, but this mouth full of cum isn't going to swallow itself."

You don't have to agree with me on this. I don't give a fuck if you do or not. But honestly, I applaud whoever is rethinking Summer Slaughter and the way it is grouped; weeding out the suck and replacing it with awesome is never a bad move. Below are the dates, with the tour starting July 19th. If you're going to the Detroit date, hollar at me in the comments. Maybe I'll touch it.

07/19 – San Francisco, Calif. @ The Regency

07/20 – Los Angeles, Calif. @ House of Blues

07/21 – Santa Ana, Calif. @ The Observatory

07/24 – Oklahoma City, Okla. @ Diamond Ballroom

07/26 – Dallas, Texas @ House of Blues

07/27 – Houston, Texas @ House of Blues

07/29 – Orlando, Fla. @ House of Blues (w/o Cattle Decapitation)

07/30 – Atlanta, Ga. @ The Masquerade

07/31 – Knoxville, Tenn. @ Old City Courtyard

08/01 – Myrtle Beach, S.C. @ House of Blues

08/02 – Silver Spring, Md. @ The Fillmore

08/03 – Worcester, Mass. @ The Palladium (w/o Norma Jean)

08/04 – Philadelphia, Pa. @ The Trocadero

08/07 – New York, N.Y. @ Best Buy Theater

08/08 – Toronto, Ontario @ The Sound Academy

08/09 – Montreal, Quebec @ Heavy MTL

08/10 – Albany, N.Y. @ Upstate Concert Hall

08/11 – Detroit, Mich. @ Majestic Theatre

08/12 – Chicago, Ill. @ House of Blues

08/13 – Milwaukee, Wis. @ The Rave

08/14 – Minneapolis, Minn. @ Station 4

08/16 – Denver, Colo. @ Ogden Theatre

- Angela